Wondering
by suspend your disbelief
Summary: Life goes on as it always has. But when is enough, enough? And when is it the -right- time to tell your secrets?


Hn....Well, this fic...I don't know. I like it, but I don't love it...or maybe I do. XD I am soooo indecisive right now. ^^;   
  
Disclaimer: Rurouni Kenshin is not mine.   
  
Song: "Wondering", by Good Charlotte.   
  
Spoilers: Slight Kyoto.  
  
OOC: Kinda.....I didn't think so, but...XD  
  
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{If you want me to wait, I will wait for you. If you tell me to stay, I will stay right through. If you don't wanna say anything at all, I'm happy wondering....}  
  
Kenshin looked to Kaoru across the dining table at the Akabeko. He made a promise to himself at that moment, as he was sipping his tea, that he would never leave her again. It hurt him just as much as it hurt her. He would do whatever she asked of him. If she wanted him to stay with her, he'd stay by her side forever. If she wanted him gone, he'd leave. even if it hurt him, he knew that someday she'd probably move on and get married to another man. But until then, he vowed to himself that he'd be there to protect her through anything that may happen.   
  
{Since I was a young man, I never was a fun man. I never had a plan and no security.}  
  
Kenshin sighed, remembering the Revolution and why he was a wanderer. All of the people he had slain. He knew he had to do it, but looking back, it wasn't as enjoyable as he had thought. They were empty years filled with the blood of other men, and heartbreak.   
  
{Then ever since I met you, I never could forget you. I only wanna get you right here next to me.}  
  
But after ten years of wandering, a miracle happened. For once in his life, something had gone right. He met Kaoru Kamiya, a woman of whom he held great respect. Over a short time, he fell in love with her and all she was. A beauty in every way --mind, body, and soul. He wanted her more than anything in his life. She was the remedy for the pain of the past, a haunting pain that refused to let up. The reason he could not allow himself true peace with her by his side. A day never passed without his dreaming of a perfect life with her. He only wished he could say the words to her without regret. They were so easy to say, but had he told her how he felt, it may have caused more trouble for her. He could never allow himself anything more than unspoken love for her. Anything more could have put her in danger of his past, and himself.   
  
{'Cause everybody needs someone that they can trust and...You're somebody I found just in time...}  
  
He was wandering, and reached a breaking point. A point that told him, or seemed to tell him, that there was no purpose left in life other than to save others who could not save themselves. That was fine for him, he knew he deserved it. But he couldn't help thinking if there was possibly..something more to life. If someone like him could ever be happy. Kaoru had taught him that no matter who he was, he was still human; he still deserved to have happiness in his life, and she made him happy.   
  
{If you want me to wait, I will wait for you. If you tell me to stay, I will stay right through. If you don't wanna say anything at all, I'm happy wondering....}  
  
For all she had done for him, he'd do anything for her. She was an angel in every way; -his- guardian angel. He would do anytihng for her in a heartbeat. He'd give his life for hers without a second thought.   
  
  
  
{Now my life is changing, it's always rearranging. It's always getting stranger than I thought it ever could.}  
  
Kaoru had been the loneliest of maidens after her father's unfortunate death. She was alone and scared for her father's sword style. Everyone had always said she should give up sword arts and sell the dojo; she might make some money out of it. A terrible person had come to disgrace her father's name, taking away the last of the happiness she had left -her students. But she was quickly elated after the finding of the Hitokiri Battousai, thinking she could clear her school's name. Little did she know who'd she find instead. A lovely man, and even some new, different friends. A mooching gambler, a young, smart alec student, a coniving doctor. . . and more. She had gone on trips and seen and experienced things she had only once before dreamed about, and read about. Things got odd in the Kamiya dojo, but it was exhilirating.   
  
{Ever since I found you, I wanna be around you.}  
  
Ever since she had allowed him into her home, she knew there was something distinctly different about him. She had fallen into some kind of love with him. She loved talking to him (though admittedly he didn't always tell the truth, to keep her innocent.) and she loved just to be near him.   
  
{I wanna get down to the point that I need you.}  
  
But she never could tell him how she felt. She didn't know why. . . but there just never seemed to be a good time to tell him, or a right way. She was afraid he'd laugh at her, or that he'd tell her dreaded news --that perhaps he hadn't seen her as more than a friend, or a sister. That he was going to leave so he couldn't love her.   
  
{'Cause everybody needs someone that they can trust and...You're somebody I found just in time...}  
  
She wasn't sure how much longer she could keep it from him, though. It was getting to the point where even when he said her name, she'd jump a bit and blush, and even the slightest brush of their hands sent an almost electrical charge through her nerves. She needed him to at least know; holding in this secret was nearly giving her gray hair, and worries beyond what she should have had.   
  
{If you want me to wait, I will wait for you. If you tell me to stay, I will stay right through. If you don't wanna say anything at all, I'm happy wondering....}  
  
Kenshin broked the uncomfortable silence at the table.  
  
"Kaoru-dono. . . Would you. . . " He trailed off, leaving Kaoru with her breath caught in her throat.   
  
'Yes, Kenshin?" She asked, as calmly as she could. But, she had to admit she wasn't much convincing. He never sounded quite so. . . different. She had a feeling this was important.   
  
". . . Sessha was wondering if you would give him the pleasure of having your company when he goes on a walk this afternoon, that he does. . . " He stated, though he sounded as nervous as Kaoru felt.   
  
She didn't notice, her thoughts concentrating more on her own thoughts and appearence than his.   
  
He smiled. "Is now a good time?" He asked, slowly standing, and leaving perhaps more than enough money to take care of the bill.   
  
She nodded, blushing. ". . . The sooner, the better, ne?"   
  
He continued to smile, nodding. Slowly, he reached for her hand. They both looked like shy schoolkids, as their eyes looked up from their now joined hands and met, his eyes soft and warm, hers reflecting anxiousness.   
  
He led her outside, without a word, and continued to walk for another fifteen minutes or so.   
  
Kaoru blinked, her large blue eyes now reflecting sadness and worry. She knew where they were.   
  
It was the same forest of the wishing fireflies they had met in, before he left for Kyoto.   
  
And Kaoru was shaking.   
  
{Don't tell me the bad news.}   
  
"Kenshin--" Kaoru began, afraid of what was going to happen. Memories of his first leaving had haunted her since that fateful evening --May 14th, Meiji 11. And this. . . felt no different from a visitation to her memories, except there were no fireflies and it was the middle of the afternoon.   
  
{Don't tell me anything at all.}  
  
She didn't want him to say anything. Though she had always wanted more with him, she didn't want to lose what they already had. She was happy with the way things were. . . she didn't want anything to change.   
  
{Just tell me that you need me.}  
  
He interrupted her, placing a slender, delicate finger on her soft lips.   
  
"Kaoru-dono, let me talk." He murmured.   
  
Well, that was sure a first, Kaoru mused, though still watching him with her breath caught in her throat.   
  
"Kaoru-dono, last time we were here. . . I made a grave mistake. You realize. . . I -hope- you realize, that I care very much about you. . . and I left so you wouldn't get hurt. I hope you forgive me. . . because I care for you more than anything else. . . "  
  
He trailed off, removing his finger gently, watching her for any sign of emotion.   
  
He saw tears in her eyes, and his face fell. "Kaoru-dono, I am sorry. . . I shouldn't have done this it was. . . too forward and. . . "   
  
It was her turn to interrupt. "No, Kenshin, I am. . . so happy. I love you more than. . . you know." She whispered the last part gently, letting her gaze fall to the ground.   
  
He had heard her, and smiled. "Kaoru. . . koishii. . . " He gently lifted her chin, and brought her face close to his, his eyes slowly shutting as he pulled her even more forward.   
  
She raised a hand, and pushed him away. "Kenshin, promise me. . . you'll never leave. I don't want. . . you to go; I don't want to be alone again."   
  
{And stay right here with me.}  
  
He nodded, understanding perfectly. "Kaoru-chan. . . " He used the suffix for the first time; it just kind of rolled off of his tongue. ". . . I will never leave you, by choice, again. I promise."   
  
And though the promise was not exactly what she had desired, she accepted it. Kenshin, would always be Kenshin.   
  
{If you want me to wait, I will wait for you. If you tell me to stay, I will stay right through. If you don't wanna say anything at all, I'm happy wondering....}   
  
With that, he resumed his actions again, crushing her slender body to his, and kissing her gently. It was soft, but it contained all of the love he felt for her. This world was new to her, but it was so exciting, and finally a well to convey to him how she felt.   
  
He deepened the kiss a bit more, for a moment losing himself completely and kissing her with every ounce of passion he had for her. Actions do, after all, speak louder than words.   
  
He then remembered how innocent and sweet she was, and resumed being the gentle man he always had been.  
  
After all, Kenshin would always be Kenshin.  
  
And she wouldn't have him any other way.   
  
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Please, please, please review! 


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